So much has happened in the past nine months. In just nine months I broke up from a relationship of two years, my stepmother passed away, pursued some stupid sin, had a health scare, and got into a bubble and began pushing away from people. Not to mention I gained extra weight, caught some colds, my brother had a heart attack, my mother dealt with some health issues, and I dealt with a strong amount of bitterness and anger. I even got to a point of questioning the reality of God and how real and relevant he is in this world and at this time.
I never thought that I could go through so much. The time involved tears, a softened heart, and then back to a hardened heart. I desired only to work, play "Zelda: Breath of the Wild", and watch "Parks and Rec."
But it hasn't been all crazy bad. My father and I are closer than ever before. Where at a time in the past we barely acknowledged each other, God has changed it around. My mother is feeling up and down at times, but it's all good! Her trust in Christ grows on a weekly basis, as seeing her example of intimate time with Jesus drives her. Her knees hit the floor daily and her hands have gone through the scrolls of the word every morning and evening. I found out that I had no health issues at all, and in the same breath God was kind enough to remind me to stop sinning, as the wages of sin lead to death. I also lost some weight, and my drive and motivation, while taking some time, is slowly but surely coming back. And my brother feels better too!
I'm learning that the sovereign work of God is not a work that depends solely on me, ever. Some people believe in Karma, or the "what goes up must come down" method. I believe and have seen for myself in this past nine months that God works according to his good pleasure. My "storms" or "trials" are not always because I have sinned. Sometimes, even though they hurt, they are for my good. He cares about me and loves me.
Sometimes that has been hard to see. I confess that the Christian walk can suck. But it's the better life. And I know that in Christ I am free. In my moments of holding bitterness and anger from past friendships and relationships, I tried to handle the situations in my own power, by thinking that holding grudges against the people that I felt hurt me was the best way to solve the problem. But each time I read the scriptures and each time I pray to the Lord I find myself repenting again and again for those moments. And I find that Christ is still the same yesterday, today, and forevermore. Still forgiving, still merciful, still full of grace and love, even to someone like me. But I'm grateful!
My pastor shared an awesome story at church this morning. The story was very heart-melting, as it reminded me that my works have never been sufficient enough, but the blood of Christ always is. I was then reminded this afternoon by some dear friends of mine that I am creative, and it's because of the creative Lord above that I can also be creative. I don't have to put those skills on the shelf. I can be free in Christ and enjoy what I do, without fear of man or any condemning thoughts of myself. It's so freeing to know that you are loved by the savior, made in his image, and can use your talents and skills to the best of your abilities because of him and for him.
While I go into tomorrow, Lord willing, I pray to remember who I am in Christ. And that while the storms come, I remember that Jesus means the world to me, and I am in him. I pray to have my eyes set on him, and to create my heart out for his glory. I'm excited about what tomorrow brings, because I know who holds my future.
Psalm 23:1 - "As the deer pants for streams of living water, so my soul thirsts for you."